Finding Direction

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. 

~Dr. Seuss~ 

Semester Half

I am halfway through the new semester… AUGH!!! I am now a second year student in the PhD programme… AUGH!!! This really lends credence to the saying that time waits for no man.

There is that period in every journey where you are not quite sure where you are going but you are putting one foot blindly in front of the other hoping that you end up at the right destination. I thought that would be during my first year of the programme and that I would start stepping into some light in the second year , or at least be a little more sure of where I am going on this journey. JOKES!!! LOL!!! Apparently I will get to the end of the journey and still not be entirely sure where I was headed.

I have realised though that the PhD is just the means to an end, and further, it is a learning experience. Through this experience I am to gather enough confidence and some experience so that I can move forward with becoming a researcher, a lecturer, and an academic writer. In addition, I am gaining experience with how to chat with other academics to build a network. Does anyone remember a time when building a network wasn’t important in every profession?

So… the progress report:

I have “completed” the literature review. If you think back (way back), I was supposed to be more sure now about what my research questions are and what my focus will be. Well I am more confident about the direction, and goodness knows I am all read up. I am almost read out in fact, but am I more sure? Feeling more focused? Do I think that the steps are falling into place? Not quite, but I do feel a little more confident, so I still think I am headed in the right direction.

Semester End

In what can only be termed a turnaround, I have gone from having no direction, or a rather uncertain direction to having several options for where I am headed. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry; actually I lie! I know exactly what to do…I need to think and narrow those several directions down to a few which are in some way connected and form a cohesive plan forward. I am excited!!! There is no denying that. I may be hiding it well from those around me but I am excited (HAHA… Tara, are you good at hiding anything?). I am excited about what I am out to discover (a la Scuttle…let’s see which of you gets that reference). Ok, enough of the riddles.

My supervisor and I had decided that in addition to my literature, it would be beneficial for me to talk to a few people in the field to put out feelers in a sense. Since that decision, I have conducted two exploratory interviews and we have since had a chat. That discussion largely entailed deciding where I could go with my research based on what both the literature and the practitioners are telling me. This step, for me, is incredible, enlightening and hopefully one in the right direction. It makes me feel less lost and more like I made the right decision to pursue this qualification.

We all learn in a variety of ways: some learn through listening, others through seeing, some through doing and many with some combination of these three. I hope I got that right or the person who taught it to me will not be amused. I feel like this a learning through doing and seeing exercise, with a whole lot of listening thrown in. I am not only learning how to be a researcher by pursuing this PhD; I am learning the steps for developing a research project and writing it up (doing). But this is not a process I am going through alone because of a number of conversations (listening) with not only my supervisor but my colleagues, other lecturers within my department and those who visit for useful seminars. I am learning from their expertise and experiences. And goodness knows I am certainly getting in a whole of reading and observing (seeing) as I go along... some days I never want to see another academic journal.

However, I think I am learning a lot more about myself in the process. I am sure that is a good thing; reflection and reflexivity are very important to growth and development. Although, I am sure, some days I really wish I didn’t have the alone time to do it, but that is another blog.

There is a review coming up in January… look forward to the blog after that. That will let you know if I really have found my direction or if I need to head right back to the drawing board.   

Is being guarded so wrong?

Even though you may want to move forward in life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.  

~Mary Manin Morrisey~

There are some days that I am quite sure that I give too much, open up my heart too easily and let people mean a lot to me entirely too quickly. Then there are others when I say to myself if you don’t give a little and have a little faith you will never experience the joys of friendship, love, companionship or affection. More and more often now though I wonder if the pain of being let down by the people you give a little to isn’t a lot more impactful that the joys.

I love people. I love watching them, observing their interactions; I love laughing with them, chatting with them, teaching them and just being quiet with them. I think that it is clear that I enjoy these activities more and more with people that mean something to me.  But does that love make me too vulnerable? What comes to mind as I have this debate with myself is that cartoon where the girl keeps her heart in a box to protect herself. How many times has that cartoon passed your newsfeed and you thought, I know how she feels, I know why she did it and I admire the courage she has to open the box and try again.

But is it really courage? Or is it just wishful thinking? Is being guarded with your heart and your emotions so wrong? It gets so frustrating to make the decision to be more open, give someone that little bit more of your time and your heart and then they let you down. It is not only frustrating, it hurts! It makes you lose faith in yourself and what you have to offer in a relationship or to anyone that you want to value you. I can hear all the women who love me yelling at me and saying “Tara, honey, how many times do we have to say it is not your fault; you did your best and you cannot always blame yourself”. I agree with them in my mind, I do, I really do … but my heart and my spirit wonders; is it so obvious that there is something wrong with me? Don’t I have enough? Am I not enough? Is there something else I could have done? Should I just not bother because it will never work out how I want it to anyway?

Sigh … I don’t know if there is a lot more that I can say here … maybe what I am looking for is more of a conversation … what do you think? Is being guarded so wrong?

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for 

Bob Marley

you can find the complete comic I have referred to here: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/this-comic-about-love-will-touch-your-heart/

A Fog of Euphoria

Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything. 

~Plato~ 

There are so few words that can describe how I felt after watching Wicked at the Edinburgh Playhouse. Why do we always say that? There are sooo many words I can use to express and describe how I felt before, during and after watching Wicked at the Edinburgh Playhouse; the problem is I am not sure that all of those words will be able to convey exactly how I felt.

In earlier blogs I talked about how much music means to me, but I do not think I talked about when I discovered Andrew Lloyd Webber and musical theatre pieces. My first exposure to this music was when I started vocal training in Barbados. I felt like something wild and exciting had been opened up to me. Later, a friend at school (I haven’t forgotten Janelle) lent me a CD which I never returned (shame). I couldn’t return it because I listened to it at home, and in mummy’s car and everywhere else I could and I think I hurt it … it never played the same after the overuse. In simple terms I fell in love. My brother was not amused, but for me it was a natural extension from my staple movie diet of Disney movies, Annie, The Wizard of Oz and The Sound of Music. Yet again, I digress. Although, I think what I wanted to say was that at home there were so few opportunities to experience this type of thing.

I remember when Broadway to Barbados first came to the Frank Collymore Hall, Barbados … I wanted to go so badly I could taste it. My mother gifted me the ticket if I remember correctly and I was on cloud nine for days after the show. I felt so fortunate, blessed and wonderful to be able to have seen it. Now this show is not a full production; on the contrary, various ex-cast members perform some of the signature pieces of the Broadway shows that they have done. If I felt this way about going to that can you even imagine how I felt to be gifted a ticket to Wicked and be walking into the Edinburgh Playhouse? I was on cloud nine before I took my seat; I felt grateful, privileged and full of anticipation.

From note one, I was blown away; at the end of the first half I was enthralled, in awe of the orchestra, singing, dancing, talent, costumes, staging, dragon :)  and by the end of the show I was simply overwhelmed. If you had to ask me to do anything for the next few hours I would have gladly done it for you, I was in what could be termed a ‘fog of euphoria’. The rack of baby back ribs afterwards was just icing on the cake (trust me, the only thing that tops an amazing experience is great food after or during that experience). I am too inexperienced to give you a critical review of the show. I also do not want to give away the plot to anyone who has not had the opportunity to see it. But that experience was for me, emotional, mind-blowing, overwhelming and humbling, in short, a dream come true.