Don't cry for me

Don't cry for me

Don't shed a tear

The time I shared with you will always be

And when I'm gone, please carry on

Don't cry for me 

~Lyrics - Don't cry for me ~ performed by Cece Winans~

One day it will be my turn

One day there will be no more me

But until that day comes I have to watch as people have their turn. I watch and wonder when people just are no longer there. No longer there laughing, smiling, crying or eating maple almond ice cream by the truck loads. It’s hard to watch; it’s hard to lose people; and it is really hard to say goodbye when you really don’t understand. I wonder about life, death, what it all means and selfishly I wonder when it will be my turn and what will be said about me. I think about what I loved most about that person, what impact they had on my life and what lessons I can learn from them. I try to assimilate the good and focus on them being out of pain or going to a better place, but how do I know that? Then the calls and visits start and all of the usual things will be said: “it was her time”; “when the Lord calls you”; “she is in a better place”; and … I can’t even remember the others right now. You are grateful for the support, hateful of the intrusion and sorry for feeling like a wretch because it isn’t you that is gone.

I have read blogs on loss. I have experienced loss and as I get older I will continue to experience it but no matter what, when or how, I will never know exactly what is expected of me or how I should feel, what I should say or do. I read other thoughts or listen to other people who have experienced loss and feel torn, hurt and small but I still don’t know what I feel. I am one of those people who did not experience loss early in life; I had all of my grandparents and a great grandparent until I was 21. So I was used to having everyone around and did not understand friends or acquaintances in school that had no parents, or lost someone they were close to. I couldn’t understand the grief or the pain. You think as you get older you will begin to understand or that having more time with them will make it easier but honestly, for me, I don’t get it yet and I do not think loss at any time is easy to swallow.

One day they are there, the next day they aren’t. Is it worse when you know it is coming or when it is totally unexpected? Is it better when you were not that close or when they meant everything to you? Do I just keep going to work? Do I give in and be an emotional wreck for a while and then move on? How do I express how I feel to others? How do I give support to family when they need it when I am not even certain how I feel? How in goodness name does anyone bury a child? How do you bury a parent? How do you move on? What do I feel?

This link  Don't cry for me - Cece Winans will lead you to the song that I turn to at times like this and are the lyrics referred to in the "quote". 

Helplessness

It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail. 

~Lech Walesa~

It is a rather immobilising feeling: helplessness. Immobilising because there is just nothing you can do and nothing seems right to say. It is uncomfortable, disheartening and yeah I know I have said it already but immobilising. You don’t know if to turn left or right or just curl up in the foetal position and cry.

I have previously lauded the great things about being away from home: enjoying new experiences, widening your own knowledge, challenging yourself to be successful away from the comforts of home. I am sure I have at some point in time mentioned some of the drawbacks: not being able to find the foods you want (black cake and pudding and souse for example) especially if you do not have the skills to cook them yourself and not being able to pop in by your granny for a bite to eat – why do they all seem so food focused? But I have never experienced this helplessness before or maybe just not as much as I have recently.

It has been a strange time for my family recently, that sort of time where everyone either pulls together or apart. You can only imagine that my cell phone bill is way up as I try to do the only thing I can in the situation because I am so bloody far and that is, just listening as everyone has their say or expresses their own feelings. But I can’t do anything else! I can’t get up and run over to help anyone, I can’t hold anyone’s hand or give them any other form of physical support like a hug. All I can do is listen, and I do not recall in my recent past ever feeling so damn helpless.

It hurts! And that hurt spreads; it spreads from just listening to dwelling on what you can’t do, what you can’t provide and it makes you feel inadequate; helpless. It spreads to every other facet of your life and immobilises you as you try to do the things you are supposed to but you can’t seem to stop thinking about everything else that is going on. All of your own problems: the inability to write, the lack of direction and the loneliness just seem so petty in the face of everything else that is happening to your family that you just stop.

But who do I tell how I feel? I hate burdening people with my own worries especially when each person you know has their own battles to fight. I hate feeling like every single time I open my mouth it is to complain about a situation or sound like I am the only person in trouble because I know that it is so not true. I miss sharing. I miss those days that I knew I could sit with friends and share. Share the good and the bad, the ridiculous and the onerous, the achievements and the setbacks, the past, present and dreams for the future. It is hard feeling helpless, and maybe just a little harder is feeling helpless and alone.