So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.
~Helen Keller~
How many times have you read anything that says a true
friend is the one you don’t see or hear often but when you do it feels like
nothing has changed? I am not disputing this claim; actually I believe in it
wholeheartedly but I think I want to examine it a little differently. How do we
get to that point where we do not see or hear them every day? What changes?
At school, you saw your friends from Monday to Friday and
then you found ways to see each other over the weekend. So our friend model
starts with those people we see often. At University, you may not see them
every day but you see them damn often so there is that constant connection,
affection and sharing that friendship is based on. You move on to work and you
may meet someone there that you connect with so well that you start having
regular lunches, going to movies, and yet again you have another every day
friend.
I so fondly remember when I made my long lasting work
friend. We did almost everything together: lunch, driving, hanging out. It got
so bad that our menstrual cycles synced (you know what I mean ladies). We were
thrown together for a project and found that we had so much in common that it
was easy for us to become friends. I don’t hear or see her everyday anymore,
maybe every week but not every day, but according to how busy we are that can
extend to a month sometimes. With other friends, I may not hear them for months.
There are a few that may extend to a year or so but that doesn’t mean that they
are not still in my heart and that the lessons we learnt together or that they
taught me aren’t still there.
But how do we get to the point where we do not see or
hear each other often? The simple answer to that is life!! We get so busy in
our everyday activities that when that friend is not an everyday staple
something else fills the space. Your priorities change, you have children,
partners, activities and so many other things that fill up your time that
everyday contact reduces slowly to a few moments on the phone.
Another simple answer is need. Be honest! A lot of
people don’t like to acknowledge this but some friends are with you because you
satisfy a need in each other; you recognise that the other person has something
that you crave, envy, admire or miss in your current situation and just being
with them makes handling that devilish or wonderful situation that much easier
or better. That means that when that situation changes, the need to
be with them is just not as urgent. This can mean that they did a wonderful job
of healing your hurt, supporting you through change or just being there when it
was necessary.
Why this has been on my mind the last few days I wasn’t sure
but I think I worked it out. Having moved, I definitely don’t see my friends
every day, and certainly not every week. Technology, as I said, makes things
easier but it doesn’t make the missing friends go away completely. I know I
miss the easy conversation, affection (I am still a hugger) and the ability to
have a deep, full conversation with so few words.
What scares me more than that, (and I think this is what has
prompted this thought) is that my move has jump started a need change in some
friends, which means they will turn to others to satisfy something I previously
gave them, something I enjoyed giving them and something that satisfied
something in me to share. That makes me want to tear up, because as I said
earlier those friends’ need to be with me will just not be as urgent; it won’t
be the same and certainly means we will all have to make adjustments in
previously satisfying relationships.
