It doesn’t only feel like a long time since I wrote a blog;
it has been a long time since I wrote a blog. I assure you that it isn’t
because I have not been having experiences that can be shared, it is just that
I have not had the time or energy to sit and write one. But I have written
several in my head, so maybe it’s not just time and energy I lack but that
extra something that makes me want to share. There is the one about the trip to
Lincoln with the Chamber Choir that was eye-opening, a riot and a wonderful
experience all wrapped up into one. There is also the one about locking myself
out of the flat … that still makes me smile, although at first it was downright
hilarious. And there is definitely the one about feeling like all my deadlines
are bearing down on me and I am never going to finish anything on time. So
which one am I going to write for you today… hmmm? Honestly I am free-writing
and not sure where it will all lead.
It’s going to have to be the deadlines isn’t it? Sigh ... So everyone says that a part of the
PhD process is changing your topic.
Two weeks later? Three?
Well I wrote that section of this blog two weeks ago or was
it three so you can imagine that I am definitely not sure what will come out
now… but isn’t it amazing how reading something you wrote leads you right back
to the feeling…hmmm. So everyone says that part of the PhD process is changing
your topic or focus. Indeed, some people say that when you hand in the damn thing
you are still uncertain of your contribution to the literature and exactly what
you did. It appears that it is all about the journey, the learning and the
becoming a researcher…hmmm… that is what this PhD thing is really about.
All of this talk and the reassurances from people who have
been there are supposed to make you feel better, and honestly they really make
you feel less alone but I am discovering something about myself. I do not work
well when I do not know where I am going. I am a girl who likes her structure.
This does not mean that I am not open to detours, what I am realising it means
that I manage uncertainty with some sort of process and when that process,
structure or even the goal is elusive I get antsy.
So imagine how I feel now, after eight months (well it was
seven when it happened) and I find out that what I have been working towards
all this time does not quite seem feasible and I need to change my focus. I
FEEL LOST!!! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to read, I don’t know
where to turn and again… damn it … AGAIN I feel like chucking it all in. I am
assured that I am not alone in this feeling either and I am pushing ahead but
not knowing where I am pushing to. Seems like what your grandmother would tell
you is ‘spinning top in mud’, or for others, going around in circles.
Amidst this riotous feeling of loss and my subsequent
floundering I completed the final step in that Certificate in Research that I
have been talking about by doing the Advanced Qualitative Methods course and it
came with two assignments… woohoo!! So two assignments, a deadline for a
chapter to give to my supervisor (which may not be needed because of the
change), the ever looming date for my annual review (which is the more formal
and serious one) and the fact that I have so little time to get everything done
all wrapped up with the correcting of assignments, meeting with students who
needed clarification of their grades and feedback, and my brain and body just
shut down. All the good eating habits, all the exercising, all the structure I
had put into my life to help me cope and achieve my goals just went kaput.
Sigh…GROAN!!! UUUHHH!!!!
Throughout this struggle, I had so much support it is
amazing and one of those voices of support kept telling me something very
similar to the following quote. I am glad she was there to constantly chat with
me by Skype, to whisper or shout encouraging words and to listen while I
rambled on about my chapter and its structure and what I wanted to say and how
it was not coming out right.
Dream small dreams. If you make them too big, you get overwhelmed and
you don't do anything. If you make small goals and accomplish them, it gives
you the confidence to go on to higher goals.
~ John H. Johnson~
So here I am … starting anew… lol. I finished that first
chapter and submitted it, I finished correcting all the assignments, all the
meetings with students and I attended all the classes; I am nearly finished the
assignments for submission (yes only nearly) and I am starting to see myself
when I look into the mirror now. So my focus and determination are coming back
slowly and you know what ... I am going home! Maybe that is just what I need to
help me recharge and refocus (and not to mention melt in the heat).
By focusing on one hurdle at a time and not obsessing on the
bigger picture, I was able to make small strides daily. 200 words a day became
500 words without me realising and I think I peaked at 1500 one day (was it
more?) and was so fussy you could not imagine. I will tell you the other
stories later; I feel like I should say something more profound now to wrap up
the lesson, but I know you got it. For
those at home … See you soon!!!
