If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be research would it?
~Albert Einstien~
It still amazes me how exhausted I am after a meeting with
my supervisor. At the end of one of
these meetings, even if they were not to go over my writing, I feel like a
deflated balloon. I wonder sometimes if it is only because I work myself up
into a good little lather before the meeting actually happens. No matter how
much preparation I put in, or how much Soca I listen to before to relax, or the
number of attempts I make to get a good night’s sleep, I still end up in the
office before 8 looking over one more thing, a little nervous as I walk through
the door (with numerous papers and sometime a diagram or two) and I most likely
leave with a tension headache.
Now please don’t get it in your head that my supervisor is a
bad sort; he is a kind, knowledgeable person and offers a sympathetic even
empathetic ear always… BUT!!! I want to feel more sure when I step in and out
of his office. Since the change in my topic (even before that but since then it
is so much worse) I have felt like I am floundering. The proposal I wrote was
so clear, and it was so well-defined to me then: what I wanted to examine, what
questions I wanted to answer and there was even some clarity on the methods I
would use to answer those questions. I was comfortable with the literature and
had a clear structure in my mind that would lead me where I was going. Now with
this new topic, I am not as familiar with the literature and just not as sure
where I am going. I have a vague plan but I will not be more certain, confident
or comfortable (look at that 3Cs) until I am more familiar with the literature,
know what has already been done and where my work will fit into the larger
scheme of things. There are some days that that task seems so overwhelming and
those days seem to culminate or begin with that meeting with my supervisor.
Although I always leave with a clearer direction and another
few questions answered, I also feel an overwhelming urge to curl up in the
foetal position or just lie down and relax… I am not telling the full truth; I
leave with an overwhelming urge to have chips with lots of ketchup and salt, good
chicken wings or a well prepared steak and a very yummy dessert (tiramisu or
chocolate cake top that list) and then curl up in the foetal position or lie
down. So now that I am trying hard not to overindulge and the deadlines I have
set for myself are right around the corner I need to roll out of this post
meeting misery a little faster.
I have heard and I believe that at the end of the literature
review, I will be in a much better position. I will be more sure (please note
not absolutely certain) of what my new research questions are, and with those,
hopefully, a lot more will fall into place like my new research methods, the
types of companies that fit my research criteria and the best way to tackle the
next chapter.
A
PhD… Seriously …Whose idea was this anyway?
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