Friendship...

So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good. 

~Helen Keller~ 

How many times have you read anything that says a true friend is the one you don’t see or hear often but when you do it feels like nothing has changed? I am not disputing this claim; actually I believe in it wholeheartedly but I think I want to examine it a little differently. How do we get to that point where we do not see or hear them every day? What changes?

At school, you saw your friends from Monday to Friday and then you found ways to see each other over the weekend. So our friend model starts with those people we see often. At University, you may not see them every day but you see them damn often so there is that constant connection, affection and sharing that friendship is based on. You move on to work and you may meet someone there that you connect with so well that you start having regular lunches, going to movies, and yet again you have another every day friend.

I so fondly remember when I made my long lasting work friend. We did almost everything together: lunch, driving, hanging out. It got so bad that our menstrual cycles synced (you know what I mean ladies). We were thrown together for a project and found that we had so much in common that it was easy for us to become friends. I don’t hear or see her everyday anymore, maybe every week but not every day, but according to how busy we are that can extend to a month sometimes. With other friends, I may not hear them for months. There are a few that may extend to a year or so but that doesn’t mean that they are not still in my heart and that the lessons we learnt together or that they taught me aren’t still there.

But how do we get to the point where we do not see or hear each other often? The simple answer to that is life!! We get so busy in our everyday activities that when that friend is not an everyday staple something else fills the space. Your priorities change, you have children, partners, activities and so many other things that fill up your time that everyday contact reduces slowly to a few moments on the phone.

Another simple answer is need. Be honest! A lot of people don’t like to acknowledge this but some friends are with you because you satisfy a need in each other; you recognise that the other person has something that you crave, envy, admire or miss in your current situation and just being with them makes handling that devilish or wonderful situation that much easier or better. That means that when that situation changes, the need to be with them is just not as urgent. This can mean that they did a wonderful job of healing your hurt, supporting you through change or just being there when it was necessary.

Why this has been on my mind the last few days I wasn’t sure but I think I worked it out. Having moved, I definitely don’t see my friends every day, and certainly not every week. Technology, as I said, makes things easier but it doesn’t make the missing friends go away completely. I know I miss the easy conversation, affection (I am still a hugger) and the ability to have a deep, full conversation with so few words.

What scares me more than that, (and I think this is what has prompted this thought) is that my move has jump started a need change in some friends, which means they will turn to others to satisfy something I previously gave them, something I enjoyed giving them and something that satisfied something in me to share. That makes me want to tear up, because as I said earlier those friends’ need to be with me will just not be as urgent; it won’t be the same and certainly means we will all have to make adjustments in previously satisfying relationships.

What it doesn’t mean is that the friendship will mean anything less.