Don't cry for me

Don't cry for me

Don't shed a tear

The time I shared with you will always be

And when I'm gone, please carry on

Don't cry for me 

~Lyrics - Don't cry for me ~ performed by Cece Winans~

One day it will be my turn

One day there will be no more me

But until that day comes I have to watch as people have their turn. I watch and wonder when people just are no longer there. No longer there laughing, smiling, crying or eating maple almond ice cream by the truck loads. It’s hard to watch; it’s hard to lose people; and it is really hard to say goodbye when you really don’t understand. I wonder about life, death, what it all means and selfishly I wonder when it will be my turn and what will be said about me. I think about what I loved most about that person, what impact they had on my life and what lessons I can learn from them. I try to assimilate the good and focus on them being out of pain or going to a better place, but how do I know that? Then the calls and visits start and all of the usual things will be said: “it was her time”; “when the Lord calls you”; “she is in a better place”; and … I can’t even remember the others right now. You are grateful for the support, hateful of the intrusion and sorry for feeling like a wretch because it isn’t you that is gone.

I have read blogs on loss. I have experienced loss and as I get older I will continue to experience it but no matter what, when or how, I will never know exactly what is expected of me or how I should feel, what I should say or do. I read other thoughts or listen to other people who have experienced loss and feel torn, hurt and small but I still don’t know what I feel. I am one of those people who did not experience loss early in life; I had all of my grandparents and a great grandparent until I was 21. So I was used to having everyone around and did not understand friends or acquaintances in school that had no parents, or lost someone they were close to. I couldn’t understand the grief or the pain. You think as you get older you will begin to understand or that having more time with them will make it easier but honestly, for me, I don’t get it yet and I do not think loss at any time is easy to swallow.

One day they are there, the next day they aren’t. Is it worse when you know it is coming or when it is totally unexpected? Is it better when you were not that close or when they meant everything to you? Do I just keep going to work? Do I give in and be an emotional wreck for a while and then move on? How do I express how I feel to others? How do I give support to family when they need it when I am not even certain how I feel? How in goodness name does anyone bury a child? How do you bury a parent? How do you move on? What do I feel?

This link  Don't cry for me - Cece Winans will lead you to the song that I turn to at times like this and are the lyrics referred to in the "quote". 

Helplessness

It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail. 

~Lech Walesa~

It is a rather immobilising feeling: helplessness. Immobilising because there is just nothing you can do and nothing seems right to say. It is uncomfortable, disheartening and yeah I know I have said it already but immobilising. You don’t know if to turn left or right or just curl up in the foetal position and cry.

I have previously lauded the great things about being away from home: enjoying new experiences, widening your own knowledge, challenging yourself to be successful away from the comforts of home. I am sure I have at some point in time mentioned some of the drawbacks: not being able to find the foods you want (black cake and pudding and souse for example) especially if you do not have the skills to cook them yourself and not being able to pop in by your granny for a bite to eat – why do they all seem so food focused? But I have never experienced this helplessness before or maybe just not as much as I have recently.

It has been a strange time for my family recently, that sort of time where everyone either pulls together or apart. You can only imagine that my cell phone bill is way up as I try to do the only thing I can in the situation because I am so bloody far and that is, just listening as everyone has their say or expresses their own feelings. But I can’t do anything else! I can’t get up and run over to help anyone, I can’t hold anyone’s hand or give them any other form of physical support like a hug. All I can do is listen, and I do not recall in my recent past ever feeling so damn helpless.

It hurts! And that hurt spreads; it spreads from just listening to dwelling on what you can’t do, what you can’t provide and it makes you feel inadequate; helpless. It spreads to every other facet of your life and immobilises you as you try to do the things you are supposed to but you can’t seem to stop thinking about everything else that is going on. All of your own problems: the inability to write, the lack of direction and the loneliness just seem so petty in the face of everything else that is happening to your family that you just stop.

But who do I tell how I feel? I hate burdening people with my own worries especially when each person you know has their own battles to fight. I hate feeling like every single time I open my mouth it is to complain about a situation or sound like I am the only person in trouble because I know that it is so not true. I miss sharing. I miss those days that I knew I could sit with friends and share. Share the good and the bad, the ridiculous and the onerous, the achievements and the setbacks, the past, present and dreams for the future. It is hard feeling helpless, and maybe just a little harder is feeling helpless and alone.

Keep on trucking

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst...when you think you're drowning. 
~Dane Cook~

It is sometimes very difficult to keep yourself going and yet there are other times when getting everything done seems to be a breeze. Well…maybe not a breeze but for some reason no matter how hard you have to push you find the energy, determination and commitment to see it done.  This is so not one of those times. I am tired; just back from two weeks off and tired. This review process is depressing.

In recent reports on this very blog, Tara claimed, and I emphasise “CLAIMED” that she found some direction. Stupse! What direction? I feel like I am soundly back in a rudderless boat but now it is even more urgent that I find the damn oars to set me on the correct path. This is SECOND year!! Fretting about this is not going to make it better though and neither is feeling betrayed. What I need is a good dose of self- motivation and drive to set me on the right path. But it nah easy! It’s just not easy to keep being tossed back in the water after putting in what you deemed to be a significant effort.

I feel like I have given a lot; a lot of time, a lot of thought and a lot of frigging reading and effort into knowing what my research is about and determining what my overall aim is but you go to the review session and boom! All that effort, all that time, all that energy feels like it was a waste. I want to believe that I have learnt something from it; I want to believe that this is all part of the process and that it can only get better. I really want to believe all of that but I have no proof. None! What I have is a sinking feeling that it will never come together; the conceptual model, the research aims, research questions, research objectives, hypotheses whatever they should be, I just can’t seem to put my finger on them. It feels hopeless, I feel helpless, I want to go home…*pouts*.

I know, I know, every time I feel like this, people, friends, colleagues all say: Don’t worry Tara, this is normal and you know you are smart enough to pull through this and do well in the end. I understand that they are all trying to be supportive and helpful and I want to believe them when they do say it, and goodness knows that I want it to be true. But this time I just don’t feel it. I am hoping my motivation comes again soon.

I promise I will pull myself out of the dumps at some point but isn’t it amazing how being determined (attitude) makes such a big difference?

An Old Debate: Instant vs. Growing Attraction

I don't have a type. But one thing I can say from my dating experience is that physical attraction will only take you so far. So you definitely have to have a strong intellectual connection as well 

~Jesse Metcalfe~

I recently had a conversation with someone (you know the usual); one of those conversations that has been on your mind and made you have a good long think. What makes any of these two better than the other? Why do some people value instant attraction over growing affection?

I am cynical enough or maybe I am just scarred enough to slightly distrust instant attraction, largely because those people that you are instantly attracted to are those people who attract you on looks alone. So what if they are hot? I am not denying the pull of someone who is just pleasing to the eye, but how many times has one conversation with that person made them so very unattractive after that? Please, please, please do not kill me and do not get all up in arms, because I have also experienced, heard of and respect the opposite situation where that first conversation and all the other experiences that follow the initial attraction only make the attraction and affection deepen.  I have a number of good looking friends, male and female who I am sure would knock me out if I didn’t think that good looking people are worth the time.  Despite my own not so good experiences I still appreciate instant attraction and as with all opposites there is something to be said about each side of this argument.

There are many who argue that the opposite is not possible. In fact, some argue that people are always only drawn to others by their looks. I completely disagree!! Have you ever sat in a group of people having a conversation, listening to their views on a variety of sometimes innocuous, sometimes serious, sometimes downright hilarious topics and been drawn to one person? Not drawn to their looks, but drawn to them? Sometimes it is not even that the person speaks up often, but there is just something about them, how they view the world and how they speak about it that starts to make you see them differently? We are not only drawn to the physical, well I can’t say it for everyone, but many people are not only drawn to the physical. Sometimes affection and attraction and oftentimes love grow from something very simple: maybe a conversation, maybe a shared passion, maybe a shared experience; but does that make what those people feel any less real than those whose attraction was instant?

That is where the conversation I had started; an accusation that because feelings grew rather than there being an instant attraction they were somehow less, somehow not natural and therefore maybe not right. Is it necessary to think that any one of these situations is better than the other? That the way feelings develop makes one situation more worthy than the other? Or is it right to think that one of these situations is more likely to be successful in the long run when it comes to love and relationships?

I don’t think so… what about you?

#instantattraction #growing affection #anolddebate

A Funny Story

He that loves reading has everything within his reach

~William Godwin~

I had the most interesting experience recently that left me wondering if I should shake my head in disgust at myself, laugh uproariously at myself or just chalk it up to a sign of the times.

I was so excited about not doing any work over the Christmas break; no academic reading, no tutorials and no regular trips to the office… WONDERFUL!! Just a few weeks to balance myself out, remind myself why I was fighting this fight, enjoy the little things, eat plenty and read for pleasure … hmmmm … there is a sound I want to make here but how do I describe it? It is accompanied by my eyes rolling into the back of my head, and is similar to that sound a woman makes when sinking her teeth into a chocolate when she really really needs it. I hope you can hear it now.

Reading used to be one of my favourite past times. There is something about sinking into someone else’s story when it is well written that is fantastic. I could get lost for hours in a book. I would get lost in that story and the images in my mind to accompany that story were so much better than TV for me. With books, you get to see the inner workings of the characters’ minds, not just see what they are experiencing or rely on their facial expressions. You get to read their thoughts, experience everything with them and despite the fact that television can still afford you this experience in its own way I was always more of a reader.  I am one of those persons who can read a book and burst out laughing, cry, and experience a world of emotions as the characters that I grow attached to do. There is just something about reading a good book. I think reading used to be one of the few things that would stop me from eating. Unheard of I know, but not for too long because the headache would stop me from reading so I would have to get up and eat with the book in my hand to prevent that.

Anyway a friend has lent me the Harry Potter series and I went home all excited about reading it from the beginning having read them all before (ages ago) and seeing what the connections were from book one to the final book. If there is one series of books I enjoyed it was this one; they had a definitive beginning and end, and were not just drawn out for being drawn out sake. I grew up with the characters (don’t mind they were younger than me) and it was pleasure to read something so fantastical but still very down to earth in its way.

So I set the scene; (lol) turned off the lights in the rest of the flat, checked the fridge door to make sure I had it closed, checked to make sure the oven and the central heating were off, lit my candles, turned off the bedroom light and cosied up in my bed and picked up the book, all anticipatory. Then I realised, wait a minute this is a real book not an e-book, there is no back light, I am not swiping pages here, I have to turn actual paper pages so I can’t see without the bedroom light. I think I burst out laughing at first thinking how stupid it was to do that and then I mulled it over and wondered “when last have I read a paper book?” I bought three books already for the season and read them all on my phone (twice). It was a little ridiculous but it was also just a little (I hope) stupid. I knew it was a real book, I knew I needed the light but I had just gone through my usual routine without really thinking about it and that included turning the bedroom light off. So the next question was, did I want to read this book enough to get out of the bed which was now a little warmer with me in it and turn on the light?

What a conundrum!!

Laughter is an instant vacation 

~Milton Berle~

New Year's Greetings ... Defying Gravity

I think I'll try

Defying Gravity 

And you can't pull me down 

~ Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked~ 

It is 2015. Happy New Year to everyone!! Sometimes that sounds so trite, but I want you all to know that if it was possible to wish happiness, productivity and success into each of your lives that is what I would do for you. However, what I hope we are realising as we grow is that we cannot only rely on wishes but we have to put in the hard work, perseverance and patience (all the corny, responsible, boring stuff) to make sure we see our dreams come true. 

That wasn’t quite how I wanted to get started. New Year time usually makes you reflective and it is so cool to be able to look back over a year of blogs and see what I have done and what I have professed to learn and remind myself of some of the experiences I have had. I think my first observation is that I really need to be more consistent with my blogs; I had a total of what 18 or so last year (shame). Anyway … let’s talk about the Holiday Season…

The Highlights of My Season

Hmmm … Last Christmas was the first one away from home and I talked about all the things I missed. I didn’t talk about the beginning of new traditions though and one of the new traditions I am enjoying is my Christmas Skype calls. If there is one day you will get as many of my family members together as possible it is Christmas Day so getting a Skype Call from my granny’s and my auntie’s house where the congregations occur is always wonderful and eventful and a lovely tradition that I hope continues. I get to talk to everybody, (especially those people I wouldn’t regularly chat with but still want to see) I get to feel included and it makes me feel great to see everyone all together and note that the older traditions are still holding strong.

This Christmas however, I was thrilled to be allowed to share baby’s first Christmas with family in England. Very few of us actually remember our first Christmas but I LOVED being there to observe his first. Life is so simple when you are wee; (do you hear the Scottish sneaking in?) you get loads of presents from people you hardly remember, you enjoy the wrapping and the boxes more than you enjoy the actual presents (or so it would appear) and everything is fun as you are usually the centre of attention. Made me want to be the child on occasion, but more than that it was so wonderful to be there and be part of the reason that child was smiling so broadly and gurgling so happily.

I LOVE swings!!! How is it that I was so blissfully unaware of the number of parks around with beautiful trails, and SWINGS!!! I have been on swings three times throughout the Christmas period; twice in England (see why it is important to have children around?) and once in Scotland and each experience was brilliant!!! Swinging makes you feel so free, uninhibited, childlike and happy. I always get off of a swing with the biggest grin on my face and feeling wonderful. So I have had that experience thrice across the season and located the park nearest to me to make sure I don’t miss out on that simple and happy feeling too much.

I am hoping this joy and relaxation will carry me through the first part of the year at least. I hope that you can sit and think about the highlights of your season and smile and I look forward to re-reading more than 18 blogs at the beginning of 2016.

I couldn't resist giving you a taste of the song that is playing in my head whenever I think about being on a swing :) Have a listen to the link below... I promise it is worth it!!
Defying Gravity - Barefoot @ the Symphony

Finding Direction

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. 

~Dr. Seuss~ 

Semester Half

I am halfway through the new semester… AUGH!!! I am now a second year student in the PhD programme… AUGH!!! This really lends credence to the saying that time waits for no man.

There is that period in every journey where you are not quite sure where you are going but you are putting one foot blindly in front of the other hoping that you end up at the right destination. I thought that would be during my first year of the programme and that I would start stepping into some light in the second year , or at least be a little more sure of where I am going on this journey. JOKES!!! LOL!!! Apparently I will get to the end of the journey and still not be entirely sure where I was headed.

I have realised though that the PhD is just the means to an end, and further, it is a learning experience. Through this experience I am to gather enough confidence and some experience so that I can move forward with becoming a researcher, a lecturer, and an academic writer. In addition, I am gaining experience with how to chat with other academics to build a network. Does anyone remember a time when building a network wasn’t important in every profession?

So… the progress report:

I have “completed” the literature review. If you think back (way back), I was supposed to be more sure now about what my research questions are and what my focus will be. Well I am more confident about the direction, and goodness knows I am all read up. I am almost read out in fact, but am I more sure? Feeling more focused? Do I think that the steps are falling into place? Not quite, but I do feel a little more confident, so I still think I am headed in the right direction.

Semester End

In what can only be termed a turnaround, I have gone from having no direction, or a rather uncertain direction to having several options for where I am headed. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry; actually I lie! I know exactly what to do…I need to think and narrow those several directions down to a few which are in some way connected and form a cohesive plan forward. I am excited!!! There is no denying that. I may be hiding it well from those around me but I am excited (HAHA… Tara, are you good at hiding anything?). I am excited about what I am out to discover (a la Scuttle…let’s see which of you gets that reference). Ok, enough of the riddles.

My supervisor and I had decided that in addition to my literature, it would be beneficial for me to talk to a few people in the field to put out feelers in a sense. Since that decision, I have conducted two exploratory interviews and we have since had a chat. That discussion largely entailed deciding where I could go with my research based on what both the literature and the practitioners are telling me. This step, for me, is incredible, enlightening and hopefully one in the right direction. It makes me feel less lost and more like I made the right decision to pursue this qualification.

We all learn in a variety of ways: some learn through listening, others through seeing, some through doing and many with some combination of these three. I hope I got that right or the person who taught it to me will not be amused. I feel like this a learning through doing and seeing exercise, with a whole lot of listening thrown in. I am not only learning how to be a researcher by pursuing this PhD; I am learning the steps for developing a research project and writing it up (doing). But this is not a process I am going through alone because of a number of conversations (listening) with not only my supervisor but my colleagues, other lecturers within my department and those who visit for useful seminars. I am learning from their expertise and experiences. And goodness knows I am certainly getting in a whole of reading and observing (seeing) as I go along... some days I never want to see another academic journal.

However, I think I am learning a lot more about myself in the process. I am sure that is a good thing; reflection and reflexivity are very important to growth and development. Although, I am sure, some days I really wish I didn’t have the alone time to do it, but that is another blog.

There is a review coming up in January… look forward to the blog after that. That will let you know if I really have found my direction or if I need to head right back to the drawing board.