Helplessness

It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail. 

~Lech Walesa~

It is a rather immobilising feeling: helplessness. Immobilising because there is just nothing you can do and nothing seems right to say. It is uncomfortable, disheartening and yeah I know I have said it already but immobilising. You don’t know if to turn left or right or just curl up in the foetal position and cry.

I have previously lauded the great things about being away from home: enjoying new experiences, widening your own knowledge, challenging yourself to be successful away from the comforts of home. I am sure I have at some point in time mentioned some of the drawbacks: not being able to find the foods you want (black cake and pudding and souse for example) especially if you do not have the skills to cook them yourself and not being able to pop in by your granny for a bite to eat – why do they all seem so food focused? But I have never experienced this helplessness before or maybe just not as much as I have recently.

It has been a strange time for my family recently, that sort of time where everyone either pulls together or apart. You can only imagine that my cell phone bill is way up as I try to do the only thing I can in the situation because I am so bloody far and that is, just listening as everyone has their say or expresses their own feelings. But I can’t do anything else! I can’t get up and run over to help anyone, I can’t hold anyone’s hand or give them any other form of physical support like a hug. All I can do is listen, and I do not recall in my recent past ever feeling so damn helpless.

It hurts! And that hurt spreads; it spreads from just listening to dwelling on what you can’t do, what you can’t provide and it makes you feel inadequate; helpless. It spreads to every other facet of your life and immobilises you as you try to do the things you are supposed to but you can’t seem to stop thinking about everything else that is going on. All of your own problems: the inability to write, the lack of direction and the loneliness just seem so petty in the face of everything else that is happening to your family that you just stop.

But who do I tell how I feel? I hate burdening people with my own worries especially when each person you know has their own battles to fight. I hate feeling like every single time I open my mouth it is to complain about a situation or sound like I am the only person in trouble because I know that it is so not true. I miss sharing. I miss those days that I knew I could sit with friends and share. Share the good and the bad, the ridiculous and the onerous, the achievements and the setbacks, the past, present and dreams for the future. It is hard feeling helpless, and maybe just a little harder is feeling helpless and alone.