Don't cry for me

Don't cry for me

Don't shed a tear

The time I shared with you will always be

And when I'm gone, please carry on

Don't cry for me 

~Lyrics - Don't cry for me ~ performed by Cece Winans~

One day it will be my turn

One day there will be no more me

But until that day comes I have to watch as people have their turn. I watch and wonder when people just are no longer there. No longer there laughing, smiling, crying or eating maple almond ice cream by the truck loads. It’s hard to watch; it’s hard to lose people; and it is really hard to say goodbye when you really don’t understand. I wonder about life, death, what it all means and selfishly I wonder when it will be my turn and what will be said about me. I think about what I loved most about that person, what impact they had on my life and what lessons I can learn from them. I try to assimilate the good and focus on them being out of pain or going to a better place, but how do I know that? Then the calls and visits start and all of the usual things will be said: “it was her time”; “when the Lord calls you”; “she is in a better place”; and … I can’t even remember the others right now. You are grateful for the support, hateful of the intrusion and sorry for feeling like a wretch because it isn’t you that is gone.

I have read blogs on loss. I have experienced loss and as I get older I will continue to experience it but no matter what, when or how, I will never know exactly what is expected of me or how I should feel, what I should say or do. I read other thoughts or listen to other people who have experienced loss and feel torn, hurt and small but I still don’t know what I feel. I am one of those people who did not experience loss early in life; I had all of my grandparents and a great grandparent until I was 21. So I was used to having everyone around and did not understand friends or acquaintances in school that had no parents, or lost someone they were close to. I couldn’t understand the grief or the pain. You think as you get older you will begin to understand or that having more time with them will make it easier but honestly, for me, I don’t get it yet and I do not think loss at any time is easy to swallow.

One day they are there, the next day they aren’t. Is it worse when you know it is coming or when it is totally unexpected? Is it better when you were not that close or when they meant everything to you? Do I just keep going to work? Do I give in and be an emotional wreck for a while and then move on? How do I express how I feel to others? How do I give support to family when they need it when I am not even certain how I feel? How in goodness name does anyone bury a child? How do you bury a parent? How do you move on? What do I feel?

This link  Don't cry for me - Cece Winans will lead you to the song that I turn to at times like this and are the lyrics referred to in the "quote".