Keep on trucking

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst...when you think you're drowning. 
~Dane Cook~

It is sometimes very difficult to keep yourself going and yet there are other times when getting everything done seems to be a breeze. Well…maybe not a breeze but for some reason no matter how hard you have to push you find the energy, determination and commitment to see it done.  This is so not one of those times. I am tired; just back from two weeks off and tired. This review process is depressing.

In recent reports on this very blog, Tara claimed, and I emphasise “CLAIMED” that she found some direction. Stupse! What direction? I feel like I am soundly back in a rudderless boat but now it is even more urgent that I find the damn oars to set me on the correct path. This is SECOND year!! Fretting about this is not going to make it better though and neither is feeling betrayed. What I need is a good dose of self- motivation and drive to set me on the right path. But it nah easy! It’s just not easy to keep being tossed back in the water after putting in what you deemed to be a significant effort.

I feel like I have given a lot; a lot of time, a lot of thought and a lot of frigging reading and effort into knowing what my research is about and determining what my overall aim is but you go to the review session and boom! All that effort, all that time, all that energy feels like it was a waste. I want to believe that I have learnt something from it; I want to believe that this is all part of the process and that it can only get better. I really want to believe all of that but I have no proof. None! What I have is a sinking feeling that it will never come together; the conceptual model, the research aims, research questions, research objectives, hypotheses whatever they should be, I just can’t seem to put my finger on them. It feels hopeless, I feel helpless, I want to go home…*pouts*.

I know, I know, every time I feel like this, people, friends, colleagues all say: Don’t worry Tara, this is normal and you know you are smart enough to pull through this and do well in the end. I understand that they are all trying to be supportive and helpful and I want to believe them when they do say it, and goodness knows that I want it to be true. But this time I just don’t feel it. I am hoping my motivation comes again soon.

I promise I will pull myself out of the dumps at some point but isn’t it amazing how being determined (attitude) makes such a big difference?