Travel does NOT love me...

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired 

~ Fannie Lou Hamer ~

Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all people cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try to understand each other, we may even become friends. 

~ Maya Angelou ~

Now back to why traveling doesn’t love me. First, I really do not have fond memories of flying. It has gotten better with time, but I was the child on the flights with the ear problem.  So all my trips start with a little routine— purchase gum (I am really not a gum fan), try not to get any water stuck in my ears and a lot of prayer and hopes that I am near the front of the plane because the further back I go the worse it is. This routine used to involve exhausting myself before the flight so that I could sleep the entire time, but that has slowly changed…I too love my sleep. Sigh…Travel does not love me.

Now, on top of the ear thing, I seem to be the person who no matter how hard she tries, ends up with the stomach ailment. That one fool who spends at least one night becoming intimate with a foreign toilet…Stupse!!! What’s worse, for the first time in a little while I managed to leave my ‘home’ country without any medication, no Paracetemols, no Pepto Bismol, no vitamins, nothing!!! So here I was, again, but with no medication whatsoever… Sigh. Despite this set back I was intent on making sure that I did not miss any of the sightseeing or ruin any plans. I was not coming all this way, managing the flight (successfully I might add, well, with minimal ear issues) and not seeing what I had planned to see, upset stomach or no upset stomach. So even if it meant adult pampers I was going to see this through. Travel and I really don’t agree.

Not being able to use yeast as some fungus makes life difficult on a normal day… no pizza, no bread, no mushrooms, and no to some cheeses. I however draw the line at the cheese; it’s bad enough that I walk past bakeries and pizzerias where the smell makes me want to float in on it like a cartoon character, but you can’t take my cheese away from me… well, not yet. But imagine being in a country where almost every meal involves bread and the locals say to you “If you don’t eat bread you will never be full.” It was torturous trying to find anything to eat sometimes especially when the special tummy usually dictates bread, biscuits or bland foods and sprite or ginger tea to settle your stomach.

Bland foods certainly do not exist in the vocabulary of the Turkish, or so it seemed to me. Everything is tasty, spicy and rich in vegetables and never, I mean NEVER have I seen so many tomatoes consumed in my life, so bland was largely out. Bread was already out, so here I am on a great trip, enjoying great sights and nibbling constantly on pretzel sticks…STUPSE!!!!  Ginger tea…what’s that? In a country where tea is a staple, you have it at the end of every meal, in between meals and it is constantly offered to you by everyone, you would think that ginger tea wouldn’t be that hard to come by; but largely, the Turkish enjoy good Turkish and Arabic teas and ginger tea I never saw. You know when you ask someone a question and they give you that huh look? That is what I got when I asked about ginger tea, so I was left with Sprite or clear soda (I don’t like soda). Sigh… Pretzel sticks & Sprite… how frigging delightful…I love to travel honestly, but travel really really does NOT love me.  

A Well Deserved Break

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.

~ Mark Twain ~

Before the madness that is summer school at UWI and just after the review of that first chapter, I took a little break in Turkey.  Being on this side of the world makes it so much easier to visit all of the places that you hear about and sometimes can only sit and dream about visiting when you live on a tight budget. And although my primary objective is that of this PhD, I LOVE to travel. But let’s face it, traveling does not love me (more on that later).

Now I know what some of you are thinking, Turkey? Of all the places to visit Tara; why Turkey?  Honestly it wasn’t on my original list; my original list had on all the expected places (the ones you always hear about) France, Italy, Spain, Switzerland etc. … but my list is also flexible, and not based on enough research. So when offered the opportunity to visit Turkey, I said yes. From day two of my trip, I never regretted my decision – and please note day 1 is not included only because it was such a long travel day, with flying and then being on the road for about 7 hours.

Day 2, however, was much more relaxed and different. It was the day I spent in the market of Gaziantep (I will try to get all the spellings right). Luckily for me it was a weekday so as much as it was busy, it was not crowded and I got to enjoy a lot of what made it unique and beautiful without butting into too many people. The colour of dried fruits hanging above stalls, the colour and variety of spices and sweets, watching craftsmen create intricate patterns on copper, the friendliness of the shop owners who never hesitated to offer Turkish tea or coffee in addition to visiting the kitchen museum and enjoying my lunch and ice cream made for a great day.

Day 2: Gaziantep 

Day 3, although a relaxing morning, was again lost due to traveling to the next destination. Day 4 was glorious!!! Not the waking up at 3: 30 in the morning and walking up Mount Nemrut… thank goodness that a lot of it was driven and that there was a path for most of the rest of the journey, and certainly not the fact that I was back to wearing a jacket, but watching the sun rise from Mount Nemrut was magnificent. I left singing (as usual but in my head) the India Arie song: God is real, and the negro spiritual My Lawd what a Mawning… you know how you find those songs that just hit all the right notes and resonate with how you are feeling? From there it was the Euphrates River: cold, blue, beautiful and a photo opportunity of the Ataturk Baraji which is a dam based in the same river. Next, Urfa, where I visited the pool of Abraham, where it is believed that Abraham landed in the fire and the flames which turned to water and the wood to fish. The location and fish are still protected to this day and the only thing I regret is how busy it was that day, but I need to accept that it is not all about me and that I am not the only one who wants to enjoy or appreciate such a significant landmark.

Day 4: Nemrut, Ataturk Baraji & Urfa

Day 5 in the late evening, we visited the beautiful area of Cappadocia, where I honestly did not know where to look. Everywhere I turned there was a gorgeous view. Now I know there are a lot of explanations for why the area looks the way it does: volcanic eruptions, erosions of wind and rain etc., but that is not what I thought when I looked at it. The technicalities are definitely not what I saw, just the wonder, the beauty and all of the hotels and houses being made to match the natural layout and look of the area made me feel like I had walked onto the Flintstones set. So you can imagine that I was singing the theme song in my head for hours. It really was a beautiful stop and it definitely was touristy area, with some things, including a church I visited in the Zemi Valley, that are UNESCO heritage sites as well as good hiking areas.

Day 5: Cappadocia

The last few days in Istanbul were a lot quieter, not uneventful, but quiet and please do not think that Istanbul is in anyway a quiet town.  It felt like driving from the country to the city; know the difference? You hear car horns far more often, there are a lot more people, the Burger Kings, Starbucks and McDonalds are more prevalent and goodness knows that taxi drivers the world over just do not change. But those days were quiet largely because I was just tired and I felt like I had already seen so much. The Grand Bazaar, the sweet corn, the fish, the clothes, and the art were all so much to take in and just capped off what was an excellent holiday. I don’t often get to feel like a tourist, and although the country was not on my very poorly defined original list of places to visit, I thoroughly enjoyed that element of my trip.

Looming deadlines ...Changing topics... Groan

It doesn’t only feel like a long time since I wrote a blog; it has been a long time since I wrote a blog. I assure you that it isn’t because I have not been having experiences that can be shared, it is just that I have not had the time or energy to sit and write one. But I have written several in my head, so maybe it’s not just time and energy I lack but that extra something that makes me want to share. There is the one about the trip to Lincoln with the Chamber Choir that was eye-opening, a riot and a wonderful experience all wrapped up into one. There is also the one about locking myself out of the flat … that still makes me smile, although at first it was downright hilarious. And there is definitely the one about feeling like all my deadlines are bearing down on me and I am never going to finish anything on time. So which one am I going to write for you today… hmmm? Honestly I am free-writing and not sure where it will all lead.

It’s going to have to be the deadlines isn’t it?  Sigh ... So everyone says that a part of the PhD process is changing your topic.

Two weeks later? Three?

Well I wrote that section of this blog two weeks ago or was it three so you can imagine that I am definitely not sure what will come out now… but isn’t it amazing how reading something you wrote leads you right back to the feeling…hmmm. So everyone says that part of the PhD process is changing your topic or focus. Indeed, some people say that when you hand in the damn thing you are still uncertain of your contribution to the literature and exactly what you did. It appears that it is all about the journey, the learning and the becoming a researcher…hmmm… that is what this PhD thing is really about.

All of this talk and the reassurances from people who have been there are supposed to make you feel better, and honestly they really make you feel less alone but I am discovering something about myself. I do not work well when I do not know where I am going. I am a girl who likes her structure. This does not mean that I am not open to detours, what I am realising it means that I manage uncertainty with some sort of process and when that process, structure or even the goal is elusive I get antsy.

So imagine how I feel now, after eight months (well it was seven when it happened) and I find out that what I have been working towards all this time does not quite seem feasible and I need to change my focus. I FEEL LOST!!! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to read, I don’t know where to turn and again… damn it … AGAIN I feel like chucking it all in. I am assured that I am not alone in this feeling either and I am pushing ahead but not knowing where I am pushing to. Seems like what your grandmother would tell you is ‘spinning top in mud’, or for others, going around in circles.

Amidst this riotous feeling of loss and my subsequent floundering I completed the final step in that Certificate in Research that I have been talking about by doing the Advanced Qualitative Methods course and it came with two assignments… woohoo!! So two assignments, a deadline for a chapter to give to my supervisor (which may not be needed because of the change), the ever looming date for my annual review (which is the more formal and serious one) and the fact that I have so little time to get everything done all wrapped up with the correcting of assignments, meeting with students who needed clarification of their grades and feedback, and my brain and body just shut down. All the good eating habits, all the exercising, all the structure I had put into my life to help me cope and achieve my goals just went kaput. Sigh…GROAN!!! UUUHHH!!!!

Throughout this struggle, I had so much support it is amazing and one of those voices of support kept telling me something very similar to the following quote. I am glad she was there to constantly chat with me by Skype, to whisper or shout encouraging words and to listen while I rambled on about my chapter and its structure and what I wanted to say and how it was not coming out right.

Dream small dreams. If you make them too big, you get overwhelmed and you don't do anything. If you make small goals and accomplish them, it gives you the confidence to go on to higher goals.

~ John H. Johnson~

So here I am … starting anew… lol. I finished that first chapter and submitted it, I finished correcting all the assignments, all the meetings with students and I attended all the classes; I am nearly finished the assignments for submission (yes only nearly) and I am starting to see myself when I look into the mirror now. So my focus and determination are coming back slowly and you know what ... I am going home! Maybe that is just what I need to help me recharge and refocus (and not to mention melt in the heat).

By focusing on one hurdle at a time and not obsessing on the bigger picture, I was able to make small strides daily. 200 words a day became 500 words without me realising and I think I peaked at 1500 one day (was it more?) and was so fussy you could not imagine. I will tell you the other stories later; I feel like I should say something more profound now to wrap up the lesson, but I know you got it.  For those at home … See you soon!!! 

A Balancing Act... Part 3: Weight

Uhhh!!!! I don’t even know that I want to discuss this. For as long as I can remember my mother has been pushing me to exercise, be more active and watch what I eat. She enrolled me in sports camps, took me walking with her on mornings and tried to get me up and moving. I hated it! I hated her for making me do it and as much as she kept pushing the problems that weight cause in my face I really did not want to do anything that I didn’t want to do.

There is something about lying in bed and reading a book, getting lost in the words, the characters and their stories that could keep me going for hours. I remember the days when I would skip meals just to finish a book. Do any of you remember when Sweet Valley University first came out? I would be in Cave Shepherd (A Barbadian department store) every Saturday as a new one became available. Buy the book in the morning, get home and not leave my room until I had finished reading every word. Even further back, I loved going to the supermarket with my granddad; he would shop and I would stand at the front of the store and read as many books as I could while waiting for him near the cash registers. Does any of that sound like a girl who likes moving around and sweating? NO!!! Exercise was not for me!!!

Then, my next love was food, or it became that way over time. OMG!!! Chips (fries for some), chicken, cake, shrimp, burgers, bread, macaroni pie, sweet potato pie, fish cakes… ok I need to stop, my stomach is growling. Please note that nowhere in there did you hear carrots, beans, eddoes, broccoli… EWWW!!!! No! No! No!!! Vegetables were not to be done either.

Well a lot of that has certainly changed, not all of it but some of it. There are still some vegetables that turn my stomach whether it is because of their texture, smell or just because they are green. But I eat lettuce now (you cannot imagine how big a step that is!); furthermore, I cook vegetables for myself and eat them – usually smothered with meat but I eat them. And … I get up on the cold mornings and I leave the flat and I walk/run/jog/shuffle along in an attempt to manage my weight. Groan. I do not do this because I like it, I still hate it; I do not do it because I am finally listening to my mother. As with most things in life, I do it because I have made a decision and there are certain things that I never want to experience again.

I never want to stand in front of my wardrobe again and cry because nothing fits, nothing looks good and to save myself the humiliation just stay at home. I never want to sit on a plane again and the chair handles hurt because I am too broad. I do not want to walk up slight inclines and be out of breath. There are just some lessons you have to learn alone, and there are just some things that no one can make you do. You have to want them for yourself. So I do this crap, which I still hate, for me.

Despite how wonderful that sounds and how committed and firm my tone, it is still a huge struggle. I come to a country where all of the things I LOVE to eat are so easily and readily available: tiramisu, chocolate cake, profiteroles, roast duck in plum sauce, prawn crackers … ok I need to stop again. With all that is available, I don’t want to stop eating … so I am seeking balance. Indulgence on occasion (supposedly rare occasions), eating healthy (most often) and trying so hard to sweat (at least four times a week)… Uhhh!!

So often I just want to quit and say to hell with it, I will eat whatever I want, lay in bed and read or catch a few more minutes snuggled under my quilt, and honestly some days that part of me wins. But there are other days, and I try to make them number more than the indulgent ones, where practicality and all the things I don’t want to happen again win too and I swear myself out of bed—“Come on, move your fat self, Tara…MOVE!” And then I figure if I have put in so much work walking/running/jogging/shuffling that I shouldn’t spoil it by eating badly. I don’t think I will ever be perfect or get it all right, but I am trying really, really hard for balance. 

A Balancing Act... Part 2: Connections

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. 

~ Thomas Merton~

What else am I doing to try to achieve balance? Well to be honest, writing this blog is one way that I am. I maintain this blog partially because it allows me to stay in contact with some people, and more because it allows me to share my experiences and how I feel for others to have a laugh at or think on and not feel so alone in their own fights. But singing and writing are only two aspects of balance for me.

What I also need for balance is to make connections with people – new and old. I need to make connections with persons so that I have someone(s) who I can share with, chat with, listen to, learn from or that will just be there the days that either of us needs it. Now I have not lost all of my home connections; thank goodness for Skype, Whatsapp, Facebook etc. I can still chat with my family or the girls and all the other people who I have known for what feels like forever, but connecting sometimes requires more than chatting on Skype or Whatsapp.

Connecting sometimes means that you need to be able to reach out and touch someone, be it a handshake or hug or just to see someone smile in person. Know what I mean?

When I first came here even that wasn’t too easy, as I was alone in an office more often than not since my office mate was not usually in. However, we have recently moved to a temporary building and I am definitely making connections now as I am currently sharing a room with 4 more female PhD candidates in room 3.09.

OMG Room 3.09!!! Now I know the first thought when some of you think of 5 women sharing a room is … too much oestrogen and mood swings in one room and it must definitely be somewhere to avoid, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. I am growing to really appreciate each of these women individually and definitely as a group. We are at varying stages in the PhD progress, from different backgrounds and with totally different experiences and interests which makes for an amazing combination of personalities and definitely a lot of chatting when we are all in (which doesn’t happen too often – unfortunately). Don’t get the impression that we do not get any work done, considering the stages we are at in our academic careers, we can all put our heads down and work very well without too much chatter but there are those few days that very little gets done.

With such different personalities and backgrounds, sometimes simple sentences need explanation as the terms, slang or words that someone uses may be unfamiliar to someone else in the group. My vocabulary and knowledge expands daily. More than the expanding knowledge though, I appreciate the constant support I receive from each of these women - I really hope that I am equally supportive to each of them when they need it.

My first mate from this group, Amy, who I met early in the programme because we completed Research Methods together, has such a warm smile and easy going personality that I think I bend her ear too often. Celebrity Ashleigh (so named for her looks and research) is in her second year of the programme and is always willing to share with us all that she has experienced so far and to allow us to learn from her whether it be her experience with tutoring, writing, reviews or clubbing. Stephanie, who flits in and out of the office as is necessary for her work, the baby of the group in age only, hides her strength of character and no-nonsense attitude behind beautiful curls and easy smiles. The insane one of the group, Anthea, is a delightful addition who is very serious about her work and has very high expectations and standards for the students she tutors, but makes me shake my head often at her antics and love of the ridiculous.

Put us all together and we have an insanity ladder in the room with each of our names. Now, the names are on post it note sheets and as everyone does something mildly insane or sane they are moved up and down the ladder. We also have a whiteboard where we write the quote of the day. More than that the fun things though, we are slowly connecting with each other, learning each other’s likes, dislikes, habits, and interests, and generally holding each other up through this arduous process. Just having someone listen to the emails you write or the layout of your chapter or to practice your presentations with and provide constructive feedback is invaluable.

They definitely provide me with some balance! 

A Balancing Act ... Part 1: Singing

Just as your car runs more smoothly and  requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals and values are in balance. 

~Brian Tracy~

How many times have you been told…all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? I think I have said it more than I have heard it, which probably says something about me. I am seeking balance.

I am a firm believer in balance…we look for balance in choral singing where no one line of the group stands out above the other lines unless it is absolutely necessary. What we seek with the group is a blend that allows each line to add their unique melody and character to the group making the whole that much sweeter. There are some times in rehearsal when each line practices their part and individually they sound okay, good even, but when you put it all together OMG!!!! The music is amazing (my new word, especially with the correct Scottish twang).

But I am not seeking balance in the choir now; instead, I am seeking balance with me. Sure, I am pursuing this qualification but is that all there is to me? Well from previous blogs it is clear that singing is a part of me. Even my analogy speaks to how important music and singing are to my regular happiness and general existence. So I have started to watch other performers, understanding and expanding my own performances by learning from what I see and hear. I have also started listening to music that is recommended to me by others here, so that I become more accustomed to other styles and a different type of ‘folk music.’

Moreover, (another favourite word) I have joined the Chamber Choir and that is certainly a difference from what I am used to. Yes we perform some of the same music that I would have with the Cavite Chorale and other groups at home but the director is different, the skill level expected from each group member is different which then translates into the style, the strategy and the sound being different. These people pick up a sheet of music and sight read it, words  and all—yes I know this is not a challenge to some but it certainly is to me… that challenge forces me to sink or swim and do a lot of homework.

But I have drifted; I was talking about my balance. So … I am watching other performers, listening to new music and joined a new group. I am performing on my own occasionally, working on that ever challenging engaging performance. Moving from choral where you have to be so disciplined, to individual performance where you need to be very expressive so that you draw your audience in and entertain them is … I don’t know… so … how do I put it best? Right now it’s something to be done in the comfort of the shower or your home only.

But I need to be able to do this. It is vital to me not only as a performer but as a person. The ability to be comfortable and confident in any situation, let it all out and give my all in every sphere of my life is vital. I want to have my own—my own voice, my own interpretation.

This is my first step towards balance. What else do I need?   Hmmm …

Fighting to reach the destination

All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination. 

~Earl Nightingale~

Feeling lost doesn’t always mean that you cannot find your way on the street. Sometimes it means you cannot find your way in your mind. But isn’t it wonderful when everything starts to clear up and you cannot only see the streets in your mind and the direction that you must take, but the destination? The thing is that despite finding it all, there will always be days when you will feel lost all over again, and the only thing that will keep you going is the moment when you could see the destination. 

After that first review, I felt lost. I felt like a fraud that had no right pursuing a PhD. Who the hell was I to even be here? How did I even get this scholarship? The only thing I could see at that point, with any clarity, was the need to run and hide; the need to lick my wounds and figure out how to give them their money back and go home. You know what held me together, besides the emotional eating, and the time to think? A hug …. A hug for which I am supremely grateful, and to add to that there was also the memory of the destination, my destination, and why it is so important to me.

Everyone tells you that pursuing a PhD is a lonely road and one that will test your resolve, confidence, intelligence and temerity.  So few people tell you how to survive it, and there is a simple reason why. No one person follows this path exactly the same way as another; we all have to find the gumption to make it there alone. What works for me may not work for you.

But does this fight only apply to the pursuit of a PhD?  Why should we, PhD candidates, feel special? Can’t you apply this to almost anything that is important to your life? What do you fight to protect? What is so important to you that it brings you to tears when you feel like it is slipping away from your grasp? What will you get up out of bed for and say… I can do this, no matter how hard, knowing that at the end of this I will have achieved something that is important to me?

This will not be the last time I feel lost, but I am damn sure I will fight like a dog till I get to the destination!