Looming deadlines ...Changing topics... Groan

It doesn’t only feel like a long time since I wrote a blog; it has been a long time since I wrote a blog. I assure you that it isn’t because I have not been having experiences that can be shared, it is just that I have not had the time or energy to sit and write one. But I have written several in my head, so maybe it’s not just time and energy I lack but that extra something that makes me want to share. There is the one about the trip to Lincoln with the Chamber Choir that was eye-opening, a riot and a wonderful experience all wrapped up into one. There is also the one about locking myself out of the flat … that still makes me smile, although at first it was downright hilarious. And there is definitely the one about feeling like all my deadlines are bearing down on me and I am never going to finish anything on time. So which one am I going to write for you today… hmmm? Honestly I am free-writing and not sure where it will all lead.

It’s going to have to be the deadlines isn’t it?  Sigh ... So everyone says that a part of the PhD process is changing your topic.

Two weeks later? Three?

Well I wrote that section of this blog two weeks ago or was it three so you can imagine that I am definitely not sure what will come out now… but isn’t it amazing how reading something you wrote leads you right back to the feeling…hmmm. So everyone says that part of the PhD process is changing your topic or focus. Indeed, some people say that when you hand in the damn thing you are still uncertain of your contribution to the literature and exactly what you did. It appears that it is all about the journey, the learning and the becoming a researcher…hmmm… that is what this PhD thing is really about.

All of this talk and the reassurances from people who have been there are supposed to make you feel better, and honestly they really make you feel less alone but I am discovering something about myself. I do not work well when I do not know where I am going. I am a girl who likes her structure. This does not mean that I am not open to detours, what I am realising it means that I manage uncertainty with some sort of process and when that process, structure or even the goal is elusive I get antsy.

So imagine how I feel now, after eight months (well it was seven when it happened) and I find out that what I have been working towards all this time does not quite seem feasible and I need to change my focus. I FEEL LOST!!! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to read, I don’t know where to turn and again… damn it … AGAIN I feel like chucking it all in. I am assured that I am not alone in this feeling either and I am pushing ahead but not knowing where I am pushing to. Seems like what your grandmother would tell you is ‘spinning top in mud’, or for others, going around in circles.

Amidst this riotous feeling of loss and my subsequent floundering I completed the final step in that Certificate in Research that I have been talking about by doing the Advanced Qualitative Methods course and it came with two assignments… woohoo!! So two assignments, a deadline for a chapter to give to my supervisor (which may not be needed because of the change), the ever looming date for my annual review (which is the more formal and serious one) and the fact that I have so little time to get everything done all wrapped up with the correcting of assignments, meeting with students who needed clarification of their grades and feedback, and my brain and body just shut down. All the good eating habits, all the exercising, all the structure I had put into my life to help me cope and achieve my goals just went kaput. Sigh…GROAN!!! UUUHHH!!!!

Throughout this struggle, I had so much support it is amazing and one of those voices of support kept telling me something very similar to the following quote. I am glad she was there to constantly chat with me by Skype, to whisper or shout encouraging words and to listen while I rambled on about my chapter and its structure and what I wanted to say and how it was not coming out right.

Dream small dreams. If you make them too big, you get overwhelmed and you don't do anything. If you make small goals and accomplish them, it gives you the confidence to go on to higher goals.

~ John H. Johnson~

So here I am … starting anew… lol. I finished that first chapter and submitted it, I finished correcting all the assignments, all the meetings with students and I attended all the classes; I am nearly finished the assignments for submission (yes only nearly) and I am starting to see myself when I look into the mirror now. So my focus and determination are coming back slowly and you know what ... I am going home! Maybe that is just what I need to help me recharge and refocus (and not to mention melt in the heat).

By focusing on one hurdle at a time and not obsessing on the bigger picture, I was able to make small strides daily. 200 words a day became 500 words without me realising and I think I peaked at 1500 one day (was it more?) and was so fussy you could not imagine. I will tell you the other stories later; I feel like I should say something more profound now to wrap up the lesson, but I know you got it.  For those at home … See you soon!!! 

A Balancing Act... Part 3: Weight

Uhhh!!!! I don’t even know that I want to discuss this. For as long as I can remember my mother has been pushing me to exercise, be more active and watch what I eat. She enrolled me in sports camps, took me walking with her on mornings and tried to get me up and moving. I hated it! I hated her for making me do it and as much as she kept pushing the problems that weight cause in my face I really did not want to do anything that I didn’t want to do.

There is something about lying in bed and reading a book, getting lost in the words, the characters and their stories that could keep me going for hours. I remember the days when I would skip meals just to finish a book. Do any of you remember when Sweet Valley University first came out? I would be in Cave Shepherd (A Barbadian department store) every Saturday as a new one became available. Buy the book in the morning, get home and not leave my room until I had finished reading every word. Even further back, I loved going to the supermarket with my granddad; he would shop and I would stand at the front of the store and read as many books as I could while waiting for him near the cash registers. Does any of that sound like a girl who likes moving around and sweating? NO!!! Exercise was not for me!!!

Then, my next love was food, or it became that way over time. OMG!!! Chips (fries for some), chicken, cake, shrimp, burgers, bread, macaroni pie, sweet potato pie, fish cakes… ok I need to stop, my stomach is growling. Please note that nowhere in there did you hear carrots, beans, eddoes, broccoli… EWWW!!!! No! No! No!!! Vegetables were not to be done either.

Well a lot of that has certainly changed, not all of it but some of it. There are still some vegetables that turn my stomach whether it is because of their texture, smell or just because they are green. But I eat lettuce now (you cannot imagine how big a step that is!); furthermore, I cook vegetables for myself and eat them – usually smothered with meat but I eat them. And … I get up on the cold mornings and I leave the flat and I walk/run/jog/shuffle along in an attempt to manage my weight. Groan. I do not do this because I like it, I still hate it; I do not do it because I am finally listening to my mother. As with most things in life, I do it because I have made a decision and there are certain things that I never want to experience again.

I never want to stand in front of my wardrobe again and cry because nothing fits, nothing looks good and to save myself the humiliation just stay at home. I never want to sit on a plane again and the chair handles hurt because I am too broad. I do not want to walk up slight inclines and be out of breath. There are just some lessons you have to learn alone, and there are just some things that no one can make you do. You have to want them for yourself. So I do this crap, which I still hate, for me.

Despite how wonderful that sounds and how committed and firm my tone, it is still a huge struggle. I come to a country where all of the things I LOVE to eat are so easily and readily available: tiramisu, chocolate cake, profiteroles, roast duck in plum sauce, prawn crackers … ok I need to stop again. With all that is available, I don’t want to stop eating … so I am seeking balance. Indulgence on occasion (supposedly rare occasions), eating healthy (most often) and trying so hard to sweat (at least four times a week)… Uhhh!!

So often I just want to quit and say to hell with it, I will eat whatever I want, lay in bed and read or catch a few more minutes snuggled under my quilt, and honestly some days that part of me wins. But there are other days, and I try to make them number more than the indulgent ones, where practicality and all the things I don’t want to happen again win too and I swear myself out of bed—“Come on, move your fat self, Tara…MOVE!” And then I figure if I have put in so much work walking/running/jogging/shuffling that I shouldn’t spoil it by eating badly. I don’t think I will ever be perfect or get it all right, but I am trying really, really hard for balance. 

A Balancing Act... Part 2: Connections

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. 

~ Thomas Merton~

What else am I doing to try to achieve balance? Well to be honest, writing this blog is one way that I am. I maintain this blog partially because it allows me to stay in contact with some people, and more because it allows me to share my experiences and how I feel for others to have a laugh at or think on and not feel so alone in their own fights. But singing and writing are only two aspects of balance for me.

What I also need for balance is to make connections with people – new and old. I need to make connections with persons so that I have someone(s) who I can share with, chat with, listen to, learn from or that will just be there the days that either of us needs it. Now I have not lost all of my home connections; thank goodness for Skype, Whatsapp, Facebook etc. I can still chat with my family or the girls and all the other people who I have known for what feels like forever, but connecting sometimes requires more than chatting on Skype or Whatsapp.

Connecting sometimes means that you need to be able to reach out and touch someone, be it a handshake or hug or just to see someone smile in person. Know what I mean?

When I first came here even that wasn’t too easy, as I was alone in an office more often than not since my office mate was not usually in. However, we have recently moved to a temporary building and I am definitely making connections now as I am currently sharing a room with 4 more female PhD candidates in room 3.09.

OMG Room 3.09!!! Now I know the first thought when some of you think of 5 women sharing a room is … too much oestrogen and mood swings in one room and it must definitely be somewhere to avoid, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. I am growing to really appreciate each of these women individually and definitely as a group. We are at varying stages in the PhD progress, from different backgrounds and with totally different experiences and interests which makes for an amazing combination of personalities and definitely a lot of chatting when we are all in (which doesn’t happen too often – unfortunately). Don’t get the impression that we do not get any work done, considering the stages we are at in our academic careers, we can all put our heads down and work very well without too much chatter but there are those few days that very little gets done.

With such different personalities and backgrounds, sometimes simple sentences need explanation as the terms, slang or words that someone uses may be unfamiliar to someone else in the group. My vocabulary and knowledge expands daily. More than the expanding knowledge though, I appreciate the constant support I receive from each of these women - I really hope that I am equally supportive to each of them when they need it.

My first mate from this group, Amy, who I met early in the programme because we completed Research Methods together, has such a warm smile and easy going personality that I think I bend her ear too often. Celebrity Ashleigh (so named for her looks and research) is in her second year of the programme and is always willing to share with us all that she has experienced so far and to allow us to learn from her whether it be her experience with tutoring, writing, reviews or clubbing. Stephanie, who flits in and out of the office as is necessary for her work, the baby of the group in age only, hides her strength of character and no-nonsense attitude behind beautiful curls and easy smiles. The insane one of the group, Anthea, is a delightful addition who is very serious about her work and has very high expectations and standards for the students she tutors, but makes me shake my head often at her antics and love of the ridiculous.

Put us all together and we have an insanity ladder in the room with each of our names. Now, the names are on post it note sheets and as everyone does something mildly insane or sane they are moved up and down the ladder. We also have a whiteboard where we write the quote of the day. More than that the fun things though, we are slowly connecting with each other, learning each other’s likes, dislikes, habits, and interests, and generally holding each other up through this arduous process. Just having someone listen to the emails you write or the layout of your chapter or to practice your presentations with and provide constructive feedback is invaluable.

They definitely provide me with some balance! 

A Balancing Act ... Part 1: Singing

Just as your car runs more smoothly and  requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals and values are in balance. 

~Brian Tracy~

How many times have you been told…all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? I think I have said it more than I have heard it, which probably says something about me. I am seeking balance.

I am a firm believer in balance…we look for balance in choral singing where no one line of the group stands out above the other lines unless it is absolutely necessary. What we seek with the group is a blend that allows each line to add their unique melody and character to the group making the whole that much sweeter. There are some times in rehearsal when each line practices their part and individually they sound okay, good even, but when you put it all together OMG!!!! The music is amazing (my new word, especially with the correct Scottish twang).

But I am not seeking balance in the choir now; instead, I am seeking balance with me. Sure, I am pursuing this qualification but is that all there is to me? Well from previous blogs it is clear that singing is a part of me. Even my analogy speaks to how important music and singing are to my regular happiness and general existence. So I have started to watch other performers, understanding and expanding my own performances by learning from what I see and hear. I have also started listening to music that is recommended to me by others here, so that I become more accustomed to other styles and a different type of ‘folk music.’

Moreover, (another favourite word) I have joined the Chamber Choir and that is certainly a difference from what I am used to. Yes we perform some of the same music that I would have with the Cavite Chorale and other groups at home but the director is different, the skill level expected from each group member is different which then translates into the style, the strategy and the sound being different. These people pick up a sheet of music and sight read it, words  and all—yes I know this is not a challenge to some but it certainly is to me… that challenge forces me to sink or swim and do a lot of homework.

But I have drifted; I was talking about my balance. So … I am watching other performers, listening to new music and joined a new group. I am performing on my own occasionally, working on that ever challenging engaging performance. Moving from choral where you have to be so disciplined, to individual performance where you need to be very expressive so that you draw your audience in and entertain them is … I don’t know… so … how do I put it best? Right now it’s something to be done in the comfort of the shower or your home only.

But I need to be able to do this. It is vital to me not only as a performer but as a person. The ability to be comfortable and confident in any situation, let it all out and give my all in every sphere of my life is vital. I want to have my own—my own voice, my own interpretation.

This is my first step towards balance. What else do I need?   Hmmm …

Fighting to reach the destination

All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination. 

~Earl Nightingale~

Feeling lost doesn’t always mean that you cannot find your way on the street. Sometimes it means you cannot find your way in your mind. But isn’t it wonderful when everything starts to clear up and you cannot only see the streets in your mind and the direction that you must take, but the destination? The thing is that despite finding it all, there will always be days when you will feel lost all over again, and the only thing that will keep you going is the moment when you could see the destination. 

After that first review, I felt lost. I felt like a fraud that had no right pursuing a PhD. Who the hell was I to even be here? How did I even get this scholarship? The only thing I could see at that point, with any clarity, was the need to run and hide; the need to lick my wounds and figure out how to give them their money back and go home. You know what held me together, besides the emotional eating, and the time to think? A hug …. A hug for which I am supremely grateful, and to add to that there was also the memory of the destination, my destination, and why it is so important to me.

Everyone tells you that pursuing a PhD is a lonely road and one that will test your resolve, confidence, intelligence and temerity.  So few people tell you how to survive it, and there is a simple reason why. No one person follows this path exactly the same way as another; we all have to find the gumption to make it there alone. What works for me may not work for you.

But does this fight only apply to the pursuit of a PhD?  Why should we, PhD candidates, feel special? Can’t you apply this to almost anything that is important to your life? What do you fight to protect? What is so important to you that it brings you to tears when you feel like it is slipping away from your grasp? What will you get up out of bed for and say… I can do this, no matter how hard, knowing that at the end of this I will have achieved something that is important to me?

This will not be the last time I feel lost, but I am damn sure I will fight like a dog till I get to the destination!

The First PhD Review ...

I made the decision to take on board the critical feedback. Reviews are something you can easily ignore as a performer or writer but I chose to not ignore them here and I think that I benefited. I think I'm stronger for it - and I have a tougher skin as a result. 

~Rufus Wainwright~

I can’t believe that I have been here six months!?! Has so much time passed already? Well the passing of six months means that I had my first PhD review.

Preparing for the review

You can imagine that leading up to the review, most of the first year PhD students were in a little bit of a panic; there were so many questions floating around. Who takes part in the first review? Is it only your two supervisors? What do you have to do? Do you need a slideshow? How long does it last? What do you really think is going to happen? The overriding feelings seemed to be fear of the unknown and worry that we hadn’t done enough for the review.  Now I think I am making assumptions as that may have just been how I felt… lol

Several of us consulted with second year PhD students who had been through all of this already, and they kept reiterating that we shouldn’t worry, it’ll be fine, your supervisors do not expect you to have completed the PhD at this stage; they just want to know what you have completed and they understand that it can change as you progress through the PhD.  Being uncertain at this stage is normal.

So I prepared a slideshow, typed up what I wanted to say to accompany the slides and practiced several times to make sure that I was comfortable with my material. That certainly did not prevent my stomach from hurting before the session was scheduled to begin, but it did make me feel prepared. I also prepared some questions that I had burning in my mind about my research.

During the review

Well, first, everyone but me was late. My second supervisor appeared to have forgotten that we were even supposed to have the session and my first supervisor got caught in a conference call. So you can imagine that my stomach was hurting worse by now and none of the false bravado that dressing up gave me (I decided to wear a skirt and a nice red top) was helping to settle my nerves. I went through the slideshow, forgot one or two things but I made it through and waited for the questions and suggestions.

I think the overriding point that was made is that I need to be more focused, be a lot more certain of exactly what it is that I am examining and want to discover through my research. Interestingly, this has been playing on my mind a lot recently.  I have been having an overwhelming feeling of reading without focus, which has been frustrating, upsetting and confusing all at the same time.

After the review

Well it’s done and over! Everyone that I spoke to seemed to have had a good session, gotten good feedback and was just pleased that they didn’t have to worry about it anymore. For me, the review put back in my mind how important obtaining this qualification is to me. It also demonstrated to me that I have to get a little stronger backbone, and be more ready to deal with any questions that come my way when it comes to my work. 

A Song in my Heart

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. 

~Maya Angelou~

It sneaks up on you just when you think that you are doing just fine and you are sure that you have found something to occupy your time and mind. You fight it, you tell yourself that you can handle it, that it won’t be that bad this time. Come on, what’s wrong with you… you were born alone; there is no need to feel this shattered.

God! I am not sure; I am not sure that I can manage it this time. What do I do?

First on that list is always to sing. Nothing makes me happier at that point… well maybe to dance but that definitely is not my skill. Pouring my feelings, heart and soul into a song and giving it the colour, texture and flava that lets it all out. Allows me to feel protected, open, sensual, innocent, beautiful, scarred, happy and tortured all at once. It brings a smile to my lips, a tear to my eye and a pep to my step.

♫ Oh, I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody

♫ What’s your definition of it? How’s it make you feel?

♫ Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars

♫ The falling leaves, drift by my window

Sometimes there are no words; it’s just the sounds that kinda move with those feelings.

♫ I was just thinking about you… wondering if you wear the same cologne

What is there to do when loneliness sneaks up on you and says, “Girl you need a hug, maybe a soft touch on your cheek, maybe an affectionate tweak on your nose. You need to connect, make a connection.” That is when the singing sets in. That is when you wish that you were a professional dancer and by moving your body could express all the pent up emotion.

But God it also makes you feel pathetic. Why can’t you be happy alone? Why should you need something from someone else to make you feel special? No, not special; to feel … 

♫ Somewhere over the rainbow,Way up high ♫ I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style ♫You tell me to forget...