A Balancing Act ... Part 1: Singing

Just as your car runs more smoothly and  requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals and values are in balance. 

~Brian Tracy~

How many times have you been told…all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? I think I have said it more than I have heard it, which probably says something about me. I am seeking balance.

I am a firm believer in balance…we look for balance in choral singing where no one line of the group stands out above the other lines unless it is absolutely necessary. What we seek with the group is a blend that allows each line to add their unique melody and character to the group making the whole that much sweeter. There are some times in rehearsal when each line practices their part and individually they sound okay, good even, but when you put it all together OMG!!!! The music is amazing (my new word, especially with the correct Scottish twang).

But I am not seeking balance in the choir now; instead, I am seeking balance with me. Sure, I am pursuing this qualification but is that all there is to me? Well from previous blogs it is clear that singing is a part of me. Even my analogy speaks to how important music and singing are to my regular happiness and general existence. So I have started to watch other performers, understanding and expanding my own performances by learning from what I see and hear. I have also started listening to music that is recommended to me by others here, so that I become more accustomed to other styles and a different type of ‘folk music.’

Moreover, (another favourite word) I have joined the Chamber Choir and that is certainly a difference from what I am used to. Yes we perform some of the same music that I would have with the Cavite Chorale and other groups at home but the director is different, the skill level expected from each group member is different which then translates into the style, the strategy and the sound being different. These people pick up a sheet of music and sight read it, words  and all—yes I know this is not a challenge to some but it certainly is to me… that challenge forces me to sink or swim and do a lot of homework.

But I have drifted; I was talking about my balance. So … I am watching other performers, listening to new music and joined a new group. I am performing on my own occasionally, working on that ever challenging engaging performance. Moving from choral where you have to be so disciplined, to individual performance where you need to be very expressive so that you draw your audience in and entertain them is … I don’t know… so … how do I put it best? Right now it’s something to be done in the comfort of the shower or your home only.

But I need to be able to do this. It is vital to me not only as a performer but as a person. The ability to be comfortable and confident in any situation, let it all out and give my all in every sphere of my life is vital. I want to have my own—my own voice, my own interpretation.

This is my first step towards balance. What else do I need?   Hmmm …

Fighting to reach the destination

All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination. 

~Earl Nightingale~

Feeling lost doesn’t always mean that you cannot find your way on the street. Sometimes it means you cannot find your way in your mind. But isn’t it wonderful when everything starts to clear up and you cannot only see the streets in your mind and the direction that you must take, but the destination? The thing is that despite finding it all, there will always be days when you will feel lost all over again, and the only thing that will keep you going is the moment when you could see the destination. 

After that first review, I felt lost. I felt like a fraud that had no right pursuing a PhD. Who the hell was I to even be here? How did I even get this scholarship? The only thing I could see at that point, with any clarity, was the need to run and hide; the need to lick my wounds and figure out how to give them their money back and go home. You know what held me together, besides the emotional eating, and the time to think? A hug …. A hug for which I am supremely grateful, and to add to that there was also the memory of the destination, my destination, and why it is so important to me.

Everyone tells you that pursuing a PhD is a lonely road and one that will test your resolve, confidence, intelligence and temerity.  So few people tell you how to survive it, and there is a simple reason why. No one person follows this path exactly the same way as another; we all have to find the gumption to make it there alone. What works for me may not work for you.

But does this fight only apply to the pursuit of a PhD?  Why should we, PhD candidates, feel special? Can’t you apply this to almost anything that is important to your life? What do you fight to protect? What is so important to you that it brings you to tears when you feel like it is slipping away from your grasp? What will you get up out of bed for and say… I can do this, no matter how hard, knowing that at the end of this I will have achieved something that is important to me?

This will not be the last time I feel lost, but I am damn sure I will fight like a dog till I get to the destination!

The First PhD Review ...

I made the decision to take on board the critical feedback. Reviews are something you can easily ignore as a performer or writer but I chose to not ignore them here and I think that I benefited. I think I'm stronger for it - and I have a tougher skin as a result. 

~Rufus Wainwright~

I can’t believe that I have been here six months!?! Has so much time passed already? Well the passing of six months means that I had my first PhD review.

Preparing for the review

You can imagine that leading up to the review, most of the first year PhD students were in a little bit of a panic; there were so many questions floating around. Who takes part in the first review? Is it only your two supervisors? What do you have to do? Do you need a slideshow? How long does it last? What do you really think is going to happen? The overriding feelings seemed to be fear of the unknown and worry that we hadn’t done enough for the review.  Now I think I am making assumptions as that may have just been how I felt… lol

Several of us consulted with second year PhD students who had been through all of this already, and they kept reiterating that we shouldn’t worry, it’ll be fine, your supervisors do not expect you to have completed the PhD at this stage; they just want to know what you have completed and they understand that it can change as you progress through the PhD.  Being uncertain at this stage is normal.

So I prepared a slideshow, typed up what I wanted to say to accompany the slides and practiced several times to make sure that I was comfortable with my material. That certainly did not prevent my stomach from hurting before the session was scheduled to begin, but it did make me feel prepared. I also prepared some questions that I had burning in my mind about my research.

During the review

Well, first, everyone but me was late. My second supervisor appeared to have forgotten that we were even supposed to have the session and my first supervisor got caught in a conference call. So you can imagine that my stomach was hurting worse by now and none of the false bravado that dressing up gave me (I decided to wear a skirt and a nice red top) was helping to settle my nerves. I went through the slideshow, forgot one or two things but I made it through and waited for the questions and suggestions.

I think the overriding point that was made is that I need to be more focused, be a lot more certain of exactly what it is that I am examining and want to discover through my research. Interestingly, this has been playing on my mind a lot recently.  I have been having an overwhelming feeling of reading without focus, which has been frustrating, upsetting and confusing all at the same time.

After the review

Well it’s done and over! Everyone that I spoke to seemed to have had a good session, gotten good feedback and was just pleased that they didn’t have to worry about it anymore. For me, the review put back in my mind how important obtaining this qualification is to me. It also demonstrated to me that I have to get a little stronger backbone, and be more ready to deal with any questions that come my way when it comes to my work. 

A Song in my Heart

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. 

~Maya Angelou~

It sneaks up on you just when you think that you are doing just fine and you are sure that you have found something to occupy your time and mind. You fight it, you tell yourself that you can handle it, that it won’t be that bad this time. Come on, what’s wrong with you… you were born alone; there is no need to feel this shattered.

God! I am not sure; I am not sure that I can manage it this time. What do I do?

First on that list is always to sing. Nothing makes me happier at that point… well maybe to dance but that definitely is not my skill. Pouring my feelings, heart and soul into a song and giving it the colour, texture and flava that lets it all out. Allows me to feel protected, open, sensual, innocent, beautiful, scarred, happy and tortured all at once. It brings a smile to my lips, a tear to my eye and a pep to my step.

♫ Oh, I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody

♫ What’s your definition of it? How’s it make you feel?

♫ Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars

♫ The falling leaves, drift by my window

Sometimes there are no words; it’s just the sounds that kinda move with those feelings.

♫ I was just thinking about you… wondering if you wear the same cologne

What is there to do when loneliness sneaks up on you and says, “Girl you need a hug, maybe a soft touch on your cheek, maybe an affectionate tweak on your nose. You need to connect, make a connection.” That is when the singing sets in. That is when you wish that you were a professional dancer and by moving your body could express all the pent up emotion.

But God it also makes you feel pathetic. Why can’t you be happy alone? Why should you need something from someone else to make you feel special? No, not special; to feel … 

♫ Somewhere over the rainbow,Way up high ♫ I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style ♫You tell me to forget...